Mid Forties

It’s official! I am mid forties! After having a week of celebrations with wonderful friends and family I can finally reflect on what it means to be 45. Well I’m here, that’s a start! I don’t mean that to sound too dramatic but I suppose it is. I’ve always been a worrier and knowing that I have a heart condition and that my dad died at 44 has played on my mind in these months leading up to my birthday. I just wanted to get to 45.

I’ve done that then! What’s next? What do the next 45 hold? I can honestly say I think there is a lot to look forward to. I can drive, financially, things are better than what they were, we certainly have more opportunities. We just need to take them!

I think reaching this milestone has also encouraged (forced) me to think about me. I have thought a lot about it. I am a wife, parent, employee and all of those things are bloody hard. I know that I’m not brilliant at any of them but I promise you, I do try. I want to be brilliant and maybe that’s the problem because can I be? All of the time? No, of course not.

You would think the nature of the work that I do leads nicely into my home life- I’m a mediator, I have to be objective and hold difficult conversations but actually it can be quite a conflict. I know what I would do if I were at work but this is my family. I find myself shying away from things that I would walk straight into at work. I know the principles, but this is my husband, or my daughter. Or even the dog! Talking as I would do at work doesn’t seem to have the same impact!

As I reach middle age, I have acknowledged that I have my worries and my anxieties and that I am not super mum or wife. What do I do with that though? Keep trying? Of course. I will however, learn to give myself a break.

Me and a friend went out yesterday and both drank. A lot. Today has been “what did I do?” “did I say anything?” “will our daughters speak to us again?”

Why do we do that? Beat ourselves up so much for letting our guard down, allowing ourselves to be imperfect. It’s tough at the top.

I’m happy to be middle aged. I don’t lament after each year that passes. Every year is a cause for celebration. I do however need to find a way to help me relax and worry less. I’m not sure what that is yet but I’m open to it.

We all need an outlet. It’s too much to expect that we can successfully fulfil all of our roles all of the time without feeling the strain. Writing has certainly helped me. I would love to write more. I hope you enjoy reading it!