Here we are then in February 22. See how much time passes?

At the end of October 21 I had an appointment with the anaesthetist to discuss impending surgery. It was anticipated it would be a few weeks after that. As part of that discussion, I thought I best mention my swollen ankle. This had seemed to develop after a day walking in London with my cousin and daughter but had not gone away. I was conscious that maybe it could be my circulation and that that could be important when preparing for surgery.

So, off I go for an ultrasound. I’m so pleased I mentioned it and didn’t just hope that it would go away. Turned out I had a blood clot! I know! Well that put a stop to any surgery for the time being. I then spent the rest of the day waiting for new meds and wondering what this all meant.

3 months later and I’m still injecting daily with blood thinners. My tummy alternates in colour on a regular basis and I learned the hard way what not taking them on time can do. I had a pre-op last week and am waiting to hear what’s next.

It’s booked! Such a mixture of emotions right now. Most people I tell say it’s good it’s booked. I suppose that’s true. My main thoughts have been practical- cancelling gigs I had booked, making sure work is sorted, family is ok. Obviously not in that order 😂 today though was more frustration. I’m not in any pain and yet this op is going to mean a hell of a lot of pain. Of course I understand the long term benefits but I can’t see that right now. This is going to completely change my life.

After a weekend spending quality time with the family and lovely friends sending me positive stories they’ve heard I feel a lot better. We’re doing things to make my bedroom a bit more cosy for when I’m laid up and just trying to get on with it. I’ve got a lot to sort at work, preparing a handover and making people aware. It’ll get done though, it always does. It’s just weird having conversations about things that might happen in a few weeks knowing that I won’t be at work.

I have thought about the opportunity that this amount of time off will present to me and I would love to think I can write about my experience and read lots in preparation for my return to work. Who better placed to be the resident menopause expert! Of course, I’ll see how it goes, I’m open minded that I’m going to feel pretty lousy at times.

I will be downloading a lot of tv and podcasts and would love any book recommendations. Nothing too heavy. I mean literally. No heavy lifting 😂

Thanks again for listening to me and for being interested in my story. I will endeavour to keep you all updated and would really love to hear positive stories, tips and recommendations.

See you in a few weeks!

How old are you? How many children do you have? What are your fertility plans?

Ok, we know where this is going, don’t we? Let’s not dick around.

Hysterectomy. What a word. Horrible. In fact, Total hysterectomy, just to really rub it in. Followed by immediate menopause. Yay. Go me.

Day 1 of processing what I have to look forward to. Throw into the mix the old ticker and I’m full of the joys. Not.

Well not strictly true. I’m sat looking out at the historic dockyard whilst waiting for a ferry to the IOW. The sun is going down and the birds are circling. Of course it could be worse.

I totally expected this. As soon as I realised that I could no longer blame lockdown for my growing, slightly odd shaped stomach, I got it checked out. The nurse was great, straight for referral. Several prods and scans later and here we are. It looks like I’ll have the surgery in the new year.

Now of course this isn’t the only thing that has been happening for me in the last year, I’m more than aware of the massive gap since my last post. Truth is, I have really resisted writing as I have been worried that if I did, I might not know when to stop. Well, too bad suckers, here it is. Strap yourselves in. Who knew that a life changing diagnosis coupled with a mini bottle of M&S Chardonnay were enough to set the creative juices flowing once more? 😂

A couple of days later and things feel calmer. That’s what a break to my family home on the Isle of Wight does, it calms me. As I head back, I feel more able to comprehend and deal with what is to come.

Things have changed significantly for me since my last post which has really been why I have found it so hard to write. There is of the course the likelihood that it could have been just what I needed. Written words are like tears though, I couldn’t be sure when they would stop.

My Mum died in August 2020. Single most devastating, life changing thing to have happened to me and my family. I am changed, I know that.

We knew she was near the end. She also knew. We’d celebrated her birthday with her a couple of weeks earlier, knowing that would be her last. We took photos, trying to capture every last moment. It felt so wrong and so right at the same time.

When the time was near, I was lucky to be able to leave work and go. My Stepdad had done such a wonderful job of making her comfortable at home. As a family, we’re forever grateful for that. He’d thought of everything.

We just hung out. Chatting, some of it made sense, some of it didn’t. Sometimes I think, should I have said something more profound, more meaningful? We knew it was close, but not that that would be our last evening together. So, we talked about the usual, Coronation St, when was Jeff going to get his comeuppance? She liked my jeans.

When I went to bed, I said “night, see you in the morning.” She’d been getting her words a bit mixed up and said “love you in the morning.”

The morning came.

The employer that I had at the time was great and I was able to stay at home to support my stepdad. So much to do, let alone the actual grieving. We also had to consider my grandma who lived next door. She had just lost her daughter and yet we had to acknowledge that my stepdad couldn’t look after her on his own. We had to arrange for her to go into a care home. Me, my brother, sister and stepdad all came together brilliantly to navigate our way through.

The funeral was actually really lovely. We had a celebrant who was great and it was so nice to see friends and family, particularly during these Covid times. We were fortunate (if you can say that) that the restrictions had lifted enough for us to have 30 people and we streamed the service to those that couldn’t attend.

Back at the house, we had a playlist that we’d all put together, some lovely food and drink and the sun was shining. We told stories and looked through old photos. It was really lovely. It was almost as if Mum was there but just popped in to put the kettle on. Maybe she was.

It wasn’t long after that I was told that my job would be ending at Christmas. I was on a fixed term contract so there was always a possibility but at one point it had looked promising. I loved where I worked and felt like I was making good progress but, Covid times and all that. Perhaps naively I thought I would find another job reasonably soon and that I would start again after Christmas.

Well that didn’t happen. For one, we all got Covid. Horrible. It’s so hard to describe how it felt, other than weird. It really played with my mind too, worrying what impact it would have on my heart. I recovered well, seemingly with no long term effects.

Job hunting took 3 months in the end. We were lucky that Mum had left a bit of money for us. I wish I didn’t have to spend it on that, but at least I had it. I found a new job in April. So far so good.

I could go on but there is a danger that could take another 3 months so I’ll leave it here for now! Part 2 to follow (at some point…)

I’ve thought about writing every day. Whenever I’ve thought about it, it’s felt so overwhelming. How can I possibly capture what is happening right now? There’s no way I can. With so much sadness and so many uncertainties I don’t know if I can express the magnitude of it all. So I suppose the only thing I can do is give it a shot, tell you how it is for me.

I can honestly say I’m ok. Me and my husband are both still working, we know how lucky we are. Working together has been interesting to say the least! Generally we work in the same room but if we’re both on calls, one of us has to move. That’s usually me. I move around the house a bit, which I don’t mind.

Working in HR, my main focus at work has been ensuring that our employees are ok. The emotional toll that this is taking is huge. Luckily, my company acknowledges that and I’m proud to have been involved in initiatives to support people and their mental health. I’ve learnt so much.

So, what about home? As I said, I’m ok but it’s certainly had its challenges. I think these will continue. In terms of my relationship with my husband, I think we’ve both surprised ourselves. We actually quite like each other! I admit I felt quite nervous at the beginning, spending so much time together, no outlet, just us. Hopefully, we’ve realised we can enjoy each other’s company and that the things we would bicker about really aren’t that important. We seem to be quite good now at letting things go. Perhaps we didn’t do that as much before. Although there are some things I may not be able to let go, like him tapping his feet in time as he speaks to a colleague. So. How. Are. You? I’m. Good. Thanks. You get the gist.

And the teenager? It’s been tough. I love this girl so much. My heart genuinely aches with the love I have for her. Not good for someone with a dodgy ticker. She’s really missing her mates and the special people in her life. Understandably she’s frustrated and angry at times. She’s finding home learning difficult and worries about what will happen next year. As we’re both working, we check in on her and make sure she knows what she’s doing every day but we can’t supervise and that’s hard. She says I’m tough on her compared to some parents. I don’t think I’m tough enough.

What other people are doing is a common theme. She will tell me what so and so’s mum is doing, or what other friends are allowed to do. I’ve learnt that telling her I understand is a real no no, because apparently I really don’t. She looks at me sometimes like I’ve conjured up this situation with the sole intention of making her life harder! I really hope that when this ends, she will be able to see how much we tried, and that if we could make it better, we would.

There’s also the dog. That dog. I’m really not sure what he makes of all this. I think he loves us all being home but it also means he’s on high alert more than ever, which means more barking. I’m presuming this is the case with other dogs, their need to protect heightened by this situation. We’ve certainly got out for some great walks which he’s absolutely loved but we think he’s also missed his mates. He’ll go back to his dog walker tomorrow which will be brilliant. I think we’ll then also start practicing leaving him for short periods so that the separation anxiety is not too great when we return to the office, whenever that will be.

So what’s going to happen next?

Well, that was May, it’s now July. Yep, 2 months ago.

Jeez, what did happen next? Again, I became overwhelmed. Really overwhelmed. The world, work, child, relationship, the uncertainty of it all, it’s so intense.

In this time, we have seen the evolution of Black Lives Matter. The murder of George Floyd consumed us and forced us to confront ourselves. Some embraced, some resisted. I know that I need to educate myself, and to do my best to educate others. I’m up for it.

We’ve also seen in this time more death, confusion, uncertainty than I think any of us ever could have imagined. That messes with the mind.

In that time, I have to say that I struggled. I think the initial novelty factor of being at home together turned to complacency and the reality that this is not yet over set in. It’s so endless isn’t it?

I started to feel like a hypocrite. Here I am at work, telling everyone how to keep well, all the great resources that you can take advantage of and what am I doing? None of those things. Taking none of my advice. I felt weak. Worried, constantly.

In that time, lockdown of course eased to a degree which meant that the teenager could spend more time with her special person. That helped a lot. Took some of the pressure off. As long as they were able to spend time together that was all that mattered.

Relationship. It’s been tough. We are both in a position to be able to admit that now. Someone used the word “Coronacoaster” yesterday, and whilst I usually hate made up words like that, it fits. That’s exactly how it has been. I hear myself saying, “oh up and down, you know” when people ask how I am. I’m sure you’ve said the same too.

We have had to have some really serious conversations and ask ourselves some big questions. My advice though, don’t attempt to do that when you’re drunk. Really bad idea.

Has this pandemic heightened how we feel? Too right it has. When I told my husband the thoughts that were constantly going around my head, I think he was quite shocked. My thought process has been ridiculous at times. Chuck in some insensitivity and harsh words on both sides and it really can feel like there is nowhere else to go. I can’t speak for my husband but I do know how hard he is working and the stress he feels. When we were able to talk about how we were feeling and how this had impacted us, we were able to see that a lot of our worries were the same.

Knowing that this situation is likely to continue in some way, even if things ease, I know that I need to find a way to adjust and adapt. I need to accept that this is the way it is for now, so what do I need to do?

I don’t know the answer to that yet. The fact that we’ve acknowledged that there’s work to do feels good. We have a focus. I think we lost that for a minute.

I understand that this is only me telling you about how I feel. This is not reflective of everyone’s situation I know. This is just a little snippet really of how things have been. It’s possible I’ve left tons out but I wanted to write while I felt I could.

I really hope you are all ok. Please know that if you ever want to talk, I’m here.

It’s time to write again. Believe me, I know it’s been too long. Then I got caught up in the “well it’s Christmas soon” and “I could do a review of the year” so here I am, 7 January 2020 with no excuse. A review of the year does seem a good idea mind.

2019 was certainly a year that I think a lot of us won’t (although we might want to) forget. For me, a lot changed. I passed my driving test as you know, which has truly been life changing. Yes, I still hate it at times but there is no denying the difference it has made to our lives.

I changed jobs. The commute is no more! This has made a massive difference to mine and my family’s life. My daughter is not the last to leave in the morning, I walk to work and I’m back at a reasonable hour. I love it and really hope it lasts. It’s a fixed term contract so we’ll have to see what happens.

Relationships have been tough in 2019, I have truly been tested, as I know my husband and daughter will have been too. Parenting a teenager is probably one of the hardest things I’ve done. I’ve done lots of reading on the matter and understand totally how tough it is for that teenager. I don’t deny the love she has for me, in fact she tells me everyday. She is beautiful, kind, funny, loving, sporty, intelligent, all the things she always has been. That doesn’t mean it’s not tough when she shoots you a look, rolls her eyes or just doesn’t acknowledge you. It’s very difficult to maintain that role of parent sometimes when your natural instinct is to mirror that behaviour.

As a family of 3 (not including the dog before you ask), it can feel very competitive at times. I know that I can feel left out if my daughter and husband seem to be having fun or sharing a private joke. I had to accept the other day that I think I’m jealous. I try to keep things on the straight and narrow most of the time and that can seem boring. I feel boring. Sometimes I wish I could lighten up, relax but then I remind myself that boring me is necessary. Boring me serves a purpose.

This then takes it toll on your own relationship. You both love this person so much it feels like your heart could break and yet it can feel that you’re further apart then ever. I know that we’ve done that thing that all parents say they will never do. Put our child in the middle. She’s telling us to grow up, and she’s right.

2019 has also been amazing in lots of ways. We’ve seen some great bands as always, festival, holiday, we really can’t complain. 2020 does feel though like it could be the year of growing up. How much of a cliche is that? A massive one, but I do think it’s true.

As for many people, 2019 opened my eyes to lots of things and I’m not ashamed to say it. Politics, climate, war, we cannot ignore the impact that this year has had and will continue to have on all of us. Walking around my city is heartbreaking on a daily basis. I feel pity, anger, shame, sometimes disgust, often all before I’ve got to work.

Much as 2019 felt really tough at times, I also sensed massive positivity from those around me and that is a brilliant feeling. A sense that we can come back from this, that 2020 has something to offer. That could just be wishful thinking of course, but what else is there? The real belief that things can get better.

To talk to you about the whole of my year would indeed confirm just how boring I can be. I do hope though that’s it’s given you some insight into how things have been for me over the year .

I hope that you are all well and looking after yourselves. I really will try harder to write more and to work more on my social media and “getting myself out there”. If you like reading my blogs, please share, retweet, like, and tell your friends! Until next time…

It’s been too long since I last wrote, sorry about that. I struggled with what to write about this time because lots of things have happened but I wasn’t sure that this was the right place to share. Maybe you don’t need to hear about absolutely everything!

One thing I haven’t written about is the dog. The dog. I am a dog owner, I own a dog. I don’t have 2 children, I’m not mum to a fur baby, my daughter does not have a brother, I have a dog. Ok.

Our dog is 3 years old, still very much like a puppy. He is a funny mix of miniature schnauzer and pug. Kind of a cut and shut dog, pug from behind, schnauzer from the front. You have a picture in your mind? It’s probably not that.

When people see our dog, it can elicit an extreme of responses. Anything from a sympathetic, “is he the runt of the litter” pity response to him being the most beautiful dog they’ve ever seen. You see it from miles off, people saying to their partners “look at him”, “look at his teeth”. You see, he has a massive underbite, meaning he either looks angry, or a bit dim, particularly when only one tooth is poking up the side of his mouth. He also has the schnauzer eyebrows and beard so a real mix.

Has he changed our lives? Of course. Instead of a babysitter, we now need a dog sitter. When making plans, we have to consider him. We have to go out in all weathers because he’ll still need a poo.

Our dog likes to bark. At everything. You know that theory that dogs can’t see what we can? I don’t think that’s true. He seems to see every animal everywhere. On the tv, on a lamppost, somewhere in the distance. He’s protecting his family from all these dangers, a responsibility he takes very seriously. This responsibility extends to outside too. Lucky us! So we also need protecting it would seem from anyone wearing a hi-vis, riding a scooter or moped, anyone who has the audacity to appear from round a corner, and well behaved dogs. Oh and it’s not just barking, it can often be a high pitched, baby type cry too so there’s lovely. He really is convinced that if we would just let him off the lead, all these problems could be resolved. Maybe we should let him off the lead in the Houses of Parliament!

Then there’s his funny little habits. Like having to go round in circles before settling on a suitable spot to poo in. A bit like me trying to park round our way now that the students are back. Or having his breakfast and then going straight to my daughters room for a snuggle.

Our dog is hard work. We need to work harder at training him, although it is clear that he understands some things. Maybe then, he’s just choosing to not learn the other stuff!

He’s at his happiest out in the park catching a ball, over and over again. It’s like he can’t believe his luck that you’ve thrown the ball again. I imagine him telling his dog mates what an amazing time he’s had. “And then right, she threw the ball again, I couldn’t believe it!” Don’t be silly, he’s just a dog.

My husband and daughter would love to get another dog but for me it’s an absolute no. In fact I would encourage anyone to think very seriously before getting a dog.

Having said all that, the cliches about a dog’s love really are true. His excitement when you walk through the door, cuddles on the sofa, spotting you from a distance, it’s the best. Being a dog owner is tough and frustrating at times, but I wouldn’t change it.

Today was my annual heart check up. Having been born with a congenital heart defect, these appointments have become part of my life. Pretty routine you might say but as the years have progressed I always feel a sense of anticipation as it approaches.

You see, my first operation was as a newborn. First obstacle for my mum, being told I might not make my first year, best get me christened. Smashed that. Then, as I got older, the message was that I might need another op when I’m probably about 15, when I’ve done the majority of my growing. Smashed right past that until I had a 2nd op at 26. Then, maybe about 15 years after that I may need another one. So, here we are almost 20 years later. You can guess what I’m thinking.

I wonder every year if this year will be “the year”. My brain works overtime, will I be paid for any sickness, will my husband need to take any time off, do I need to write a will? I really do think all of these things. Of course, when I was 26, I was single with no children and no real commitments. Next time round will be totally different.

This morning then, the train’s cancelled. Good start. Why didn’t you drive I hear you ask? Yeh, driving may have changed my life in many ways but driving into Southampton for the first time for the purposes of having my dodgy ticker checked feels like asking for trouble. So no.

A frantic call is made to the hospital to let them know we may be a tad late. As long as we’re not more than half an hour late, we’re ok. My husband has come with me this time, we grab a cuppa while we wait.

We make it! Just ten minutes late. Self check in, Dr Generic again, same as last year. I joke with the husband about what a funny name that is for a Dr, I wonder how it’s pronounced, maybe it sounds a bit more fancy than I imagine. I meet the liaison nurse that I have known for years, always asking me how I’m doing and reminding me I can call her anytime. She explains that I’m seeing Dr Smith today. Not Dr Generic today? She tells me that’s what they say when they don’t know who it’s going to be. It’s generic. Yep, knew that. Of course, there is a certain irony in Dr Generic turning out to be Dr Smith.

My echo goes well. I’m reminded every year what a “beautiful arch” I have. In the words of Midge Ure, this means nothing to me. Believe me, it’s big news. She actually gasped today. She explained that usually the images are usually pretty grainy but mine are clear and that this is the kind of exciting thing that happens in her job once in a while. She even had to show me someone else’s images just so that I could see the difference. Smashed that arch thing as well then.

Onto my meeting with Dr Generic/Smith. She seems pleased to see me. Word’s clearly got round, I’m the one with the arch.

She tells me that everything is looking really positive with no cause for alarm and that I’m doing really well! No action is needed right now. She tells me off for having another tattoo but I’m used to that. I tell her I’ve listened to everything else. Yeh, Generic.

I’m so pleased, I really needed that assurance. It’s hard to explain to others sometimes that it’s one of those things that’s just there. If you ever feel stressed, worried, puffed out, you feel it in your chest, that’s normal. For me and others with heart conditions, there is always that added worry of is that something else?

On the train back then, with a little G&T and the first thing I wanted to do was write and tell you all about it. I haven’t written for a while, a lot’s been going on, almost too much to know what to write about. This has given me a massive boost and I’m hoping will spur me on to write more.

Smashed it!

It’s official! I am mid forties! After having a week of celebrations with wonderful friends and family I can finally reflect on what it means to be 45. Well I’m here, that’s a start! I don’t mean that to sound too dramatic but I suppose it is. I’ve always been a worrier and knowing that I have a heart condition and that my dad died at 44 has played on my mind in these months leading up to my birthday. I just wanted to get to 45.

I’ve done that then! What’s next? What do the next 45 hold? I can honestly say I think there is a lot to look forward to. I can drive, financially, things are better than what they were, we certainly have more opportunities. We just need to take them!

I think reaching this milestone has also encouraged (forced) me to think about me. I have thought a lot about it. I am a wife, parent, employee and all of those things are bloody hard. I know that I’m not brilliant at any of them but I promise you, I do try. I want to be brilliant and maybe that’s the problem because can I be? All of the time? No, of course not.

You would think the nature of the work that I do leads nicely into my home life- I’m a mediator, I have to be objective and hold difficult conversations but actually it can be quite a conflict. I know what I would do if I were at work but this is my family. I find myself shying away from things that I would walk straight into at work. I know the principles, but this is my husband, or my daughter. Or even the dog! Talking as I would do at work doesn’t seem to have the same impact!

As I reach middle age, I have acknowledged that I have my worries and my anxieties and that I am not super mum or wife. What do I do with that though? Keep trying? Of course. I will however, learn to give myself a break.

Me and a friend went out yesterday and both drank. A lot. Today has been “what did I do?” “did I say anything?” “will our daughters speak to us again?”

Why do we do that? Beat ourselves up so much for letting our guard down, allowing ourselves to be imperfect. It’s tough at the top.

I’m happy to be middle aged. I don’t lament after each year that passes. Every year is a cause for celebration. I do however need to find a way to help me relax and worry less. I’m not sure what that is yet but I’m open to it.

We all need an outlet. It’s too much to expect that we can successfully fulfil all of our roles all of the time without feeling the strain. Writing has certainly helped me. I would love to write more. I hope you enjoy reading it!